Roy Mustang's Pirates
by GryphonWonder14
Summary: The crew finds themselves stranded on board a ship with no food or water. Desprate, they look to pirating to stay alive.
1. What to do with Those Pirates

Okay, I'm sticking to humor/action from now on, my other story sucked so I deleted it. Oh well. This is an idea that came to me while watching my brother play Sid Meier's Pirates, the Luau at our school, and a from a song I learned to play on the flute. Here goes-

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"We're going to what!"

"Like I said, we're going to commandeer this ship."

"How're we going to do that?"

"They're just a bunch of pirates, we can take them."

"They kidnapped us!"

"They didn't kidnap us; we came on our own free will."

"Only because they posed as our escort to the promotion ceremony!"

"The point being, we need to get back in charge, now here is what we're going to do…" Being the highest ranked officer, Mustang tried to find a way to escape the current scenario. Of course, being kidnapped by pirates in the middle of the ocean isn't the easiest thing to get out _of_.

The ship the five officers and dog were stuck on was a fairly large sized Brig and it was sailing toward land at a leisurely pace, around 5 knots. They were riding through a tropical area of the sea and small green islands poked out of the crystal blue water. The extraordinary scenery would have been just that except for the fact that Mustang, Hughes, Hawkeye, Havoc, Armstrong, and Black Hayate were aboard the pirate ship, surrounded by an oblivious bloodthirsty pirate crew, (unaware that their prisoners knew they were pirates) and with no limes or fresh food aboard.

"So, everyone knows what to do?" The colonel asked his crew.

"Um, no. All you said was 'we need to get back in charge, here's what we're going to do,' and then asked us if we knew the plan." Havoc insubordinately stated, for everyone was tense.

"Okay, well, lets just…" Roy actually began briefing his officers. After a few minutes, they dispersed to stand at bay till the time was right. Mustang headed towards the captain's quarters.

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"So, Captain, when do you think we'll hit land?" The colonel smoothly walked into the pirate captain's room. The Black- bearded man quickly turned in his chair to face Roy, his feathered maroon hat tipping to the side. A green parrot sat on his shoulder.

"Soon enough, lad. We'll be there in plenty of time! Don't you worry about you're…um…"

"Promotion Ceremony?"

'_Ceremony, ceremony!'_ The bird chirped.

"Yarr. That!"

"Isn't it in the north?"

'_North, north!'_

"That be where we're heading!"

"We're sailing west."

"Nay! We be on track!"

"We're sailing _west_." Mustang picked up a gold compass from the table near the captain and dangled it from a chain in front of him.

"Arr, you got me!"

'_You got me, you got me!'_

"Where are you _really _taking us!" Mustang was starting to get pissed. That parrot wasn't helping either.

"Fine! We'll tell you, after we get there!"

"What?" Now the old man wasn't making sense. The wooden door suddenly burst open and the tall, muscular first mate walked in.

"You heard him, we defiantly won't be returning you to some rich military city; we have our own profits to look to and letting you go is unacceptable!" The newcomer moved to the side reveling Mustang's officers surrounded by a circle of pirates, making their last stand.

"Your pitiful crew stood no chance against us! It was as if they weren't even trying to fight us!"

"That's where you're wrong!" The colonel quickly took his right hand out of his pocket and snapped sending a ball of fire at the scalawag in front of him, killing him instantaneously. The other pirates simultaneously turned to face him, in awe.

"Now!" The signal was called from the center of the fray and all hell broke loose.

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"Now, why were you trying to kidnap us?" A rather vengeful colonel inquired as he stood over a fallen captain with a hand outstretched, ready to snap at a single wrong move from the hostage below.

"I told ye, I was trying to earn a profit, some rich guys offered a reward for your head. A fine profit too…"

"Who?"

"I don't know, only what the posters say." The captain reached into a pocket in his oversized maroon overcoat, pulled out a scroll, and handed it to the black-haired colonel.

"As I said, that's all this scurvy dog knows."

Mustang unrolled the parchment and stared at it for a few seconds before turning to his subordinates. The scroll was the average 'wanted' poster that displayed a large picture of Mustang's face in a slap-happy expression with a two-hundred fifty thousand dollar reward for capture. _'That's kind of embarrassing…'_

"I think the homunculi are getting desperate."

"Why do you think it's them?"

"It says- 'please contact Envy, Lust, or Gluttony' on the front."

"Oh."

"I don't think we can get anything out of him anymore."

"What do we do with them, though? They are fugitives. We can't just let them go."

"I'm aware of that lieutenant. But I don't think we have a choice."

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A few days later…

"I knew we should have kept part of the crew! We're hopelessly lost and we don't have any food!"

"Hey, you should be lucky I know how to drive this thing."

"You do?"

"No, but I saw it done in movie."

"That's _really_ reassuring."

"That's it! I have an announcement!" the colonel bellowed from behind the wheel as his officers assembled before him.

"As you know, we're low on food. Now, there are two ways of solving this problem. We can sail to the nearest port and buy some and that will take us god knows how long, or we can take to pirating and get it for free!"

"I think the later would get us court marshaled."

"Better than starving to death!"

"As the colonel said, we can buy some."

"Do you have enough money too feed us all? 'Cause I don't!" Hughes outwardly argued.

"Hey, that doesn't mean we have to rob others to get some." Armstrong responded.

All of a sudden Hawkeye pulled out a gun and shot into the air. Everyone stopped bickering and looked at her.

"No, we're going to do this the easy way, now everyone who'd rather stick to pirating, raise their hands." She shouted and Hughes, Roy, and Havoc lifted their hands in the air. Not wanting to be excluded from matters, Black Hayate lifted his paw mimicking the three officers. '_traitor!_' Riza murmured under her breath.

"Hah! Hughes yelled.

"Three to-" Hayate growled- "I mean four to two, sorry Black Hayate…"

"Fine, but if we get caught…"

"We won't get caught, lieutenant. I don't know much about the sea, but I do know how to get out of tight situations!" Roy smirked. Hawkeye groaned.

"Know first thing's first, we have to name our ship! How 'bout the '_Angel Elycia'?_" Hughes exclaimed excitedly.

""No, I think that's going too far…."

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"Hey, sir, I think I see something!" Armstrong yelled from the crow's nest. He had a telescope with him and was staring out into the west. Or, what he thought was west….

"I think it's a ship, but all the sparkles might be changing the image…" He added as the colonel started up the ropes to meet up with the major. Once he got to his destination, Armstrong handed him the telescope and pointed in the direction of the image.

"Wow, it's hot up here… Hey! I see it! You're right! It looks like a ship anyways. And that only means one thing…"

Armstrong gulped.

"They're our first victim- I mean, victims! FULL SPEED AHEAD!"

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Meanwhile, on a boat not far from the commandeered Brig….

"Al, is that ship coming strait towards us, or is that just me?"

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Well that's chapter one for you! Next chapter will be posted if I get enough reviews. hint hint


	2. Right Time, Wrong Place

Heya! I'm back! (With a vengeance!) I was on vacation to Russia. It was so much fun! Though the Moscow city air was way dirty… But it was a good trip. Okay, now, on to important things! On with the SHOW! And I don't own FMA.. blah, blah, blah, all that stuff...

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Morning dawned over the ocean. Seagulls started their daily routines; fish started leaping out of the water for no apparent reason; and two ships sailed across the green blue water a kilometer apart. Two figures watched from the leading vessel while it pushed steadily on while the other followed as if attached with a rope.

"You know what Al? I think they're really following us."

"What gave you that idea, Nii-san?"

Edward Elric sighed and rummaged through his pockets until he found a golden hand-held telescope. After a good long look through the thing, he glanced at his metal-clad brother. His brother glanced back.

"They don't look like pirates to me. They're all wearing blue and some of them look oddly familiar. But the Brig's too far away to tell for sure, and the captain looks a little drunk…."

"Does our captain know?"

"About the drunk?"

"No! About the pirates!"

"I don't know…"

"Shouldn't we tell him?"

"Fine, but nothing's going to happen. And if they do board, we can take 'em, right Al?"

"Yeah. Sure…"

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_Meanwhile…_

"Colonel, I think that's a trading ship." Hawkeye turned to her superior. "You know how much economic and commercial problems Amestris has been having lately.

"Relax, Hawkeye, have some rum! It's the only thing we salvaged from the pirates. I found them in the old captain's desk and it's the last bottle!" The colonel offered yet Riza politely refused. "Fine be that way. Anyways, it's not like anyone important is on that ship and we do have to eat, you know!"

Hawkeye sighed. This was just getting too out of control. They were about to attack a vital trading ship, Mustang was drunk, and there was nothing to eat. All of a sudden she grabbed the old style bottle out of the colonel's hands, but he held on stubbornly.

"Hey! What are you doing!"

"Can't you think at all? If we're about to commander that galleon over there, we should at least do so without you being completely wasted!" Yelled the Lieutenant and pulled harder, yanking the bottle out of Roy's hands and throwing it overboard.

"NO! THE RUM!" The colonel grabbed for the bottle unsuccessfully as it splashed into the waves, never to be seen by human eyes again. Screams could be heard from the neighboring ship. Mustang turned to his subordinate "You took the rum away! It was still half full!"

"I did that for your own health!"

"How can I be healthy without rum!"

Hawkeye sighed once again and turned to leave. "Would've been even better if I did that sooner. Then we might have been able to fight without a drunken captain…"

"I'm NOT DRUNK! And I'm not speaking to you for the rest of the day!"

"See how care…"

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_1 Hour later…_

The ships were almost touching and both were swarming with crew. Okay, the galleon was swarming, and Mustang's ship was crawling with several crew members. The Colonel stood at the wheel of his ship as the others prepared to board. Ed and Al were standing in the middle of the larger ship, bug-eyed and gawking at the current captain of their attackers. (He was swaying from side to side in spite of himself)

"What the HELL is that bastard colonel think he's DOING!"

"Um, brother? What are we going to do?"

"Let's see... If he wants to take this ship and get court-marshaled, that's his problem. But we have to get to where ever it is we're going. If that means we have to fight them off, then so be it!"

It was at that moment that a large explosion rocked the trade ship catching everyone off-guard and sending half the crew flying into the water. The smoke cleared revealing a smirking Colonel, four charging figures attacking the nearest people around and one lone dog biting the hell out of anyone who got in the way. Al sprung to defend the crew as the other Elric brother sprung to meet Roy on the other ship.

"Shortie? What are you doing here?" Roy stared at Edward, now standing in front of him looking quite angry.

"I'm not short! And anyways, what the hell are you doing!" Edward was now very pissed off and very confused.

"I'm taking this ship, munchkin. What's it look like?"

"Munchkin? I don't know how much you've drunk today or why you're doing the things that you are-"

"Of course you don't. Tiny little dwarf kids like you don't know anything because you're so short!" Interrupted Roy.

"That didn't make any sense, but I'll kill you anyways!" The Elric yelled, transmutating a spear out of the floor and banisters. At the same time, Roy aimed and snapped his fingers at Ed's general yet not entirely precise direction due to alcohol abuse. This resulted in the Elric jumping away, evading the flaming miss-matched attack and hopping onto the lowest mast with a sail. This pissed off Roy even more for his vision became blurred and looking upward now hurt his head. All of a sudden he tipped over and almost fell on the floor.

"What's wrong, Mustang? Had a little too much rum?" taunted the fifteen-year-old.

"I am NOT drunk!" The colonel lifted his arm and collapsed on the ground, but not before snapping and sending a huge explosion erupting from the deck of the trading ship. Luckily, most of the crew stood on the other side of the galleon, just finished with getting rid of the traders and trying to ward off Alphose. Maes was nowhere to be found. Unluckily, the ship started sinking with almost all the food and supplies still inside and not confiscated.

"Roy, what are you doing!" A cry was heard as the five (including Al) rushed to get off the sinking galleon. At that point, the colonel previously mentioned lay unconscious on the deck of the old pirate ship, oblivious to the protests and cries of his crew.

After a short while, Hughes turned up with a suspicious looking smug look on his face.

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_Later that evening…_

"So, _Hughes. _If that_ is_ your real name."

"It is! It is!"

"Oh, _really_? Then where have you been when we were fighting? Hiding in a corner?" The interrogation continued with Maes tied up to the main mast with three suspicious officers and a dog watching his every move.

"I wasn't hiding in a corner! I was sneaking food- I mean-" The prisoner cut off.

"So you did sneak food over here! Where is it?" Havoc inquired, pocking him with a stick.

"Ow! That hurts!"

"Just tell us where the food is, Hughes. I know what you're up to. You were going to eat it all by yourself, weren't you? Even I, the great Luis Alex Armstrong, wouldn't stoop that low!" The lieutenant colonel cringed as sparkles appeared around the alchemists face.

"Search the ship!" The order was called, Havoc, Armstrong, and Black Hayate ran off to obey, and Riza just sighed and turned to face the Elrics.

"Sorry about that, Ed. Al. We didn't know you were on tat ship."

"But why did you attack? What's going on, anyways?" A confused looking Al inquired. His brother nodded, curious as well.

"You see, we were on our way to the Colonel's promotion ceremony, and let's just say things went a little haywire from there…"

"Huh?"

"You see, the brig we got on back at the port was commanded by pirates. We didn't know it at the time, but when we realized it, it was too late. The only thing left to do was kick the ones who tried kidnapping us out. Then the colonel here-" Hawkeye was interrupted as a certain aforementioned persona slammed the cabin door open and walked onto the deck.

"What did _I_ do? Every time something bad happens, it's always _my_ fault!" Before Riza had a chance to answer the colonel, Edward cut in.

"Oh, so you're awake now? I thought you'd sleep till morning. You really shouldn't drink that much."

"Shut up, Full Metal…"

"I take it you're the one who ordered our ship commandeered. Were you drunk then, too?" The Elric persisted.

"I'll kill you-"

"You said that before, let's see… How did that one turn out?"

"Gaah! Just shut up! My head hurts like hell! Hawkeye, do we have any Tylenol?"

"That's strange; I thought you weren't going to talk to me today." The Lieutenant answered coolly.

"Everyone's against me! I'm going to bed!"

"Didn't you have enough beauty sleep today?" Ed started again.

"Grrrr…." Mustang left and silence once again fell over the ship except for the futile attempts of Hughes to get somebody's attention. Too bad he was gagged and tied up to the mast.

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Yeah, Ed and Al got on the ship and it would seem they're not going to starve to death. Well maybe Maes will… Thanks for all the reviews and I hope to see you in the next chapter. If I won't be lazy enough to not write it…


	3. I Claim This Land

Hey there! So it seems Ed and Al have joined the pirates. Unwillingly, of course. sigh They don't know what they're up against…

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, or anything like that. But if I did… Muahahahaha!

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Dolphins frolicked in the water trailing a seemingly harmless brig through the waves. This impression ceased to matter for the view changed dramatically once on board. Then, you just wanted to walk the plank of your own free will. Or hang yourself if it came right down to it. Anyways, all hell broke loose the minute the sun dawned over the horizon and the captain made a startling announcement. Let's just say this speech wasn't an Abraham Lincoln one, especially to a certain sixteen year old on board.

"You damn Colonel! What do you mean you don't know where we are! Weren't you going to _your own_ promotion ceremony! How can you get lost on the way! You were going to be a Brigadier General! How can you screw the whole thing over like that!" the midget alchemist yelled at his higher up, not even caring how much protocols he was breaking at that point.

"Look, shrimp. It's not my fault! And I thought you didn't want to attend that event anyways! Something about it being a 'waste of your time'? If you want to blame anyone, blame the higher ups, (not including me!) for scheduling that ceremony out of the main island!"

"We weren't even going to your promotion thing! This trip was to visit, our, um… out aunt's uncle-in-law! Yeah!"

"Sure, and I had poker with the Easter bunny last night!" Roy taunted the blond, and it irritated him even more.

"RRrrrrr…"

"It was fun, but he won…"

"How can you be so laid back at a time like this!" Edward turned to face the crew gathered around the bickering pair before continuing.

"Look, how can we ever get back to dry land with him as captain? He can't find his way out of a paper bag!"

"He _can_ find his way out of a paper bag! Too bad there isn't one big enough…"

"Thank you, Hughes." The colonel stated sarcastically, yet Havoc and Armstrong proceeded to torture him to no end, for the gallant Major kept the secret location of the food still secret.

"The point being, we won't get much further with Mustang in charge."

"What are you implying, midget? Do _you_ want to be captain?"

"I'm not saying THAT!"

"Brother…"

"That's exactly what you're saying." Hawkeye hit the mark.

"It's just that, do you really want such an irresponsible-"

"I'm not irresponsible, but you're the one who doesn't get his mission reports done on time." Roy countered.

"He's lazy." Ed continued.

"_He_ is arrogant."

"That bastard colonel is directionally challenged!"

"And you're vertically challenged!" Mustang started cracking up at his own joke.

"You think that's so funny, don't you? We'll see who's laughing when you're BURNING IN HELL!"

"Is that anyway to talk to you're superior? Eh, gnome?" the colonel suddenly composed himself in time to launch another insult. This taunt resulted in two things. First, a now charging Elric transmuted a knife on his steal-plated arm and launched the two into yet another sparring match. Secondly, an already annoyed first Lieutenant pulled out a pistol and aimed it right above the two men and fired.

"I have had enough of you two trying to kill each other! This has gone too far! If one of you provoke the other, that shot will be lower, and I won't miss! Now, if you guys can just calm down and-" The lecture was interrupted by a shout from above that changed the pair's opinion of the trip.

"LAND HO!"

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The sliver of land appeared on the horizon. As the ship drew closer, they noticed the pearly white sands of the beach. Above that, the jungle rose in a twisted tangle of trees and shrubs, stretching towards the mountainous center. Birds wheeled about the island giving it an overall peaceful tone and general appearance. A massive skull-shaped peak rose among the surrounding foothills. Its eyes burning with volcanic ash that spewed forth thick columns of black smoke that obscured the sky.

The assembled crew gazed longingly at the island unfolding before them. Suddenly they realized there's not one person on board who can pilot the brig towards land. After several moments of pondering, Hughes (still tied up) mumbled incoherently through the gag. After a few seconds, he humorously hopped over and crashed clumsily into one of the lifeboats resting on deck.

"Of course!" Roy cried as Maes's unconscious body crumpled to the deck. "We'll break apart the lifeboats and use them as paddles!"

As the crew chopped the lifeboats into firewood, numerous foods spewed out of the wreckage showering the savages with Pizza Hut's Personal Sized Pepperoni Pizzas ™ and 'Double Western' Six Dollar Burgers™.

"HA! Now you have to let me go, right!" Hughes awoke and instantly started annoying the populace, thus inferring the wrath of Hawkeye's dog. Hs biting and snarling resulted in the ropes bonding him to come loose, and pretty soon, they were all heading to 'The Island'.

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"I claim this land in the name of Roy's mom!" yelled Ed leaping off the boat and planting a flag in the sand.

"Hey!" the colonel cried tearing the dirty underpants off the flagpole.

"But she was a fine woman." stated Armstrong, following closely behind.

"AAaarrggghhh! No!"

"It wasn't my fault; no one can resist Major Louis Alex Armstrong!" The alchemist retorted while whipping himself into several convulsive poses. The sparkles flew and everyone around him backed off a few steps, especially Mustang, who was running far away from him down the jungle path. His crew followed suite leaving the major to his flexing.

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A few hours later….

"Are we there yet?" A tired and mosquito bitten Hughes groaned as another turn in the dirt path revealed more shrubbery. Those few hours in the jungle might have been uneventful at best, but still served as a punishment for the crew. Every spider-ridden bush and snake infested palm tree brought pain to the eyes of these innocents, and never ceased to anger Edward each time he looked around.

Armstrong sighed along with the rest of the gang, yet persisted to answer Maes, "The question here is not whether we are there yet, but where we are actually going." This caused the shortest Elric to stop in his tracks.

"Wait, Colonel, why are we actually here! Where are we going? Why did we come onto land in the first place? We had food on board! Why did we stop here!"

Mustang looked up from scratching a bug bite on his hand, "huh? Can you repeat that? Your voice is too hard to hear from that low near the ground."

"I SAID, WHY THE HELL ARE WE--!", The midget's shouts were suddenly interrupted by a wild sounding cry coming from the left of the path. The military dogs froze in place as the call was joined by many more shrill yells coming from all over the place.

Suddenly, Hughes fell to the ground. Before anyone got near his body, Luis was hit by a poison dart in the neck and barely had time to realize it before getting hit with another and falling in a crumpled heap near his comrade. Ed quickly transmuted a dirt barrier around his left side; for that was the direction the darts were coming from. Alas, he was hit from the right and tumbled to the ground as well. Roy, Riza, and Black Hayate followed suite leaving only Alphonse to ward off the enemies. This didn't go very well, unfortunately, for after waking up several hours later in a thatched roof hut, Ed noted that only Al's head lay a few meters from Black Hayate's nose and the rest of the armor was nowhere to be seen.

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Yes, that took a while. A while. Oh well, hope you liked it. I'll try to be faster with the next update.


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